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U. S. Government Zombie Plan
Did you know that in 2011, a plan outlining steps to be taken in the event of an actual zombie apocalypse was drawn up by the U.S. Government? The plan’s intent was to contain functional ideas of action across multiple catastrophe contingencies, including nuclear incidents and future pandemics (did that last one surprise you?). The list also includes Chicken Zombies, Vegetarian Zombies and Evil Magic Zombies! Seriously… it does!
It was named CONPLAN 8888-011 or “Counter-Zombie Dominance.” THE PLAN IS REAL. At the end of this article I have included a link to access the entire plan. The following are just some items from it that I felt were interesting. I’ve enclosed in parentheses certain acronymn definitions to enhance understanding.
a. U.S. and Allies will have the situational awareness necessary to conduct all
counter-zombie dominance operations in this plan.
b. Zombie forces will become stronger with each human casualty (because each human
casualty will become a zombie)
c. U.S. and Allied forces may be degraded as a conflict emerges and progresses.
d. LOAC (law of armed conflict) will not apply to zombies.
e. Domestic law enforcement agencies will address any CONUS (continental U.S.) based attacks involving zombies until martial law is declared.
f. There is no known medical cure for a zombie pathogen. At this time it can be assumed
that once a human turns, they cannot be cured or reverted to human status. Seek out the nearest CDC (Center for Disease Control) for any hopes of medical breakthroughs during a time of a pandemic.
g. The only assumed way to effectively cause causualties to the zombie ranks by tactical
force is the concentration of all firepower to the head, specifically the brain. The human brain will still be functioning in the zombie state, but it is universally agreed that the only part actually active will be the brain stem.
h. The only way to ensure a zombie is “dead” is to burn the zombie corpse. EMZ’s (Evil Magic Zombies – see threat summary below) are the only class of zombie that may not be vulnerable to this measure.
i. The Chaplain Corps may provide the only viable means of combating EMZs. As
such, aethieists could be particularly vulnerable to EMZ threats.
j. Because accurate intelligence related to zombies will be hard to obtain using
traditional methods, planners will have to assume worst-case scenarios derived from popular culture references (books, movies, comic books) to adequately model zombie threats.
k. Even if infected by a zombie contaminant or pathogen, human biology requires a regular
intake of water and food. Absent proper hydration to offset the affects of progressing zombeism, zombie-infected humans will experience organ failure that will immobilize or kill the host within 30-40 days.
1. Marketing materials for most hand sanitizer products indicate the product kills 99% of all
germs. Although none of these products has ever indicated any efficacy against biohazard level 4 pathogens like ebola, it is entirely possible that such products could limit or delay the spread of pathogen based zombieism if properly employed.
m. Zombies are undead and thus feel no pain or fear of death. Riot control counter-measures would be completely ineffective.
n. The human instinct for self preservation can cause newly infected zombie hosts to deny
their imminent zombification to nearby humans.
Allow nuclear weapon storage areas to be compromised by zombie forces
ii. Allow airfields or POL facilities critical to combat aircraft capabilities to be overrun by
iii. Allow maritime facilities that support SSBN operations to be compromised by zombie
SHORTFALLS AND LIMITING FACTORS:
v. Offutt AFB (Offutt Air Force Bases in Omaha, NE) provides the only semi-hardened location capable of sheltering personnel responsible for commanding and controlling a coordinated combat action against zombie forces.
JFCC SPACE (The Joint Functional Component Command for Space headquartered at Vandenberg AFB, California) and USCYBERCOM (United States Cyber Command headquartered in Fort George G. Meade, Maryland) operations centers are located within protected military facilities-however zombie forces will likely overrun those installations within the first days of a
vii. Airborne Command Centers are unlikely to be viable after the first week of a zombie
invasion. Although refueling in air will extend mission capabilities, the support bases that refuelers operate from will likely be overrun by zombies. It is possible that islands like Hawaii, Guam and Diego Garcia might remain viable relocation bases if airborne C2 assets can make it to these locations
ZOMBIE THREAT SUMMARY:
a. CONPLAN 8888 is designed to address the following types of zombie threats:
ii. Radiation Zombies (RZ):
1. RZ’s are zombie life forms created after an organism is infected by a extreme dosage of
electromagnetic and/or particle radiation
iii. Evil Magic Zombies (EMZ):
1. EMZ’s are zombie life forms created via some form of occult experimentation in what
might otherwise be referred to as “evil magic”
iv. Space Zombies (SZ):
1. SZ’s are zombie life forms originating from space or created by toxic contamination of
the earth environment via some form of extra-terrestrial toxin or radiation
2. “Zombie satellites” can be classified as SZ’s, however they pose no danger to humans
(unless they conduct an unplanned de-orbit). Typically, zombie satellites only pose a threat
the SATCOM services like DirectTV (Refer to Galaxy 15 incident-May 2010)
v. Weaponized Zombies (WZ):
1. WZ’s are zombie life forms deliberately created via bio/bio-mechanical engineering for
the purpose of being employed as weapons. Zombie weaponization programs and supporting infrastructures are included in COAs to deal with these threats.
2. The movie “The Crazies” exemplifies the most common type of WZ (humans turned
into zombies via exposure to toxic chemicals/gasses)
vi. Symbiant-Induced Zombies (SIZ):
1. SIZ’s are zombie life forms originating from the introduction of a symbiant life form into
an otherwise healthy host. Although the symptoms of symbiant zombieism is similar in most regards to pathogenic zombeism, the symbiant does not kill the host organism quickly, or at all. However, there is no known way to save an organism after zombiesm has occurred-even if the symbiant is removed.
vii. Vegetarian Zombies (VZ):
1. VZ’s are zombie life forms originating from any cause but pose no direct threat to
humans because they only eat plant life (as indicated in the popular game “Plants Vs.
Zombies”). Although VZ’s do not attack humans or other animal life, they will consume all plant life in front of them. They can cause massive de-forestation or elimination of basic food crops essential to humans (rice, corn, soybeans).
2. Of note, where normal carniverouse zombie commonly groan the word “brains” semicomprehensibly, VZ’s can be identified by their aversion to humans, affinity for plants and their tendency to semi-comprehensibly groan the word “grains”.
viii. Chicken Zombies (CZ)
1. Although it sounds ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that
2. were first documented in Jonathan M. Forrester’s 4 Dec 2006 online article
“Zombie Chickens Taking Over California”.
3. CZ’s occur when old hens that can no longer lay eggs are incorrectly euthanized by
poultry farmers using carbon monoxide. The hens are then deposited in large piles to
decompose. The hens appear to be dead when buried, but inexplicably come back to life and dig themselves out from the piles of dead chickens. After reaching the surface, CZ’s stagger about for a period of time before ultimately expiring due to internal organ failure.
4. CZ’s are simply terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become
vegetarians in protest to animal cruelty. They appear to be no direct threat to humans. They are different from WZ’s because they are the result of actions taken to kill a living organism vice actions taken to deliberately re-animate dead organisms or impair life functions to a minimal function.
- Collateral Plans. The following USSTRATCOM plans may be implemented collaterally with CONPLAN 8888
i. CONPLAN 8035 “Space Operations”
ii. CONPLAN 8531 “Pandemic Influenza”
Here is the link if you want to know more:
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am ending this article here. I have a shelter to build. The Chicken Zombies can’t be kept waiting!